


Ever Since New York

by lunar_peach



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Closure, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Spoilers, but not really, expect more from me in the future, i have a lot of feelings about banana fish, im using this to cope so i guess its a, its kinda sad yall, its not too sad but oof, too many - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 03:28:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17113583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunar_peach/pseuds/lunar_peach
Summary: Eiji writes a second letter.





	Ever Since New York

**Author's Note:**

> Post Canon, contains spoilers.

_Ash,_

_My therapist told me it would be good to write to you. It’s supposed to help me move on or air out my feelings or something. I can’t remember exactly what she said. It sounds like a good idea. I can see why she’d recommend it. If it were anyone else I wouldn’t mind doing this at all. But it's you._

_Writing this is making me feel worse, I think. So, I’m not sure how much it’ll help in this case. She’d agree with me if she knew everything. It’s funny. She thinks I’m writing to my grandmother. ~~I just~~_

_~~I still can’t bring myself to admit that~~ _

_Things are going alright. I’m eating. I’m bathing. I’m trying to figure out what the future holds for me. I’ll admit I’m not sleeping very well. I spend most nights tossing and turning in my bed until the sun comes up. Then and only then do I feel tired enough to sleep. It’s been months of this. It feels like years._

_Because I know you’d ask, my wound is healing well. It’s turning that off-pink color. The kind that looks faded and gross. It’s going to leave a scar apparently, but that’s okay. It only hurts when I move too quickly now. I have to take good care of it. My mother helps. She hasn’t left my side for a while now. I think you’d really like her— my sister too. But I guess I’ve told you that before._

_I think they’d like you too if they knew about you. Truth is, I haven’t spoken a word about you since I got back. I made Ibe promise not to either— not until I’m ready. Not sure when that will be. Not sure I’ll even be able to get your name out of my mouth._

_~~I hate you.  
I hate you for waiting.   
I hate you for leaving me.   
That’s a lie. ~~ _

_Sing won’t stop calling. Max neither. Alex, Bones, and Kong tried but I don’t think they like to hear my voice anymore. I can’t say I like to hear theirs too much either. Everytime I do, everything comes flooding back. The city, the blood, the fighting. Cape Cod, your hands on mine, the breeze. The bad is, well, _bad_ , but the good is even worse. All it leaves me with is memories of the false hope we had that things would work out for us. It all washes over me at the same time and I lose myself in them. For seconds, minutes, hours, days. _

_~~Maybe someday I’ll be able to hear them again.~~ _

_People around my town won’t stop asking about my trip to the States. And I can’t stop lying. I talk about imaginary trips— to the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, countless museums, picnics in Central Park... Made up stories. I make up the life I wish we could have lived after everything was over. Stupid. Sweet. Normal. Still, I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything._

_Except you. I’d give all of our memories to have you back. Every single one. We’d find each other some other way. I know we would._

_You know, the last time I wrote to you, I expected things to go differently. Everything had gone better than anyone had hoped. You made it out alive. When I heard that, I booked your ticket immediately. I wrote that letter. I pinched my cheeks and made them pink, dressed in that sweater of mine you always said you liked hoping you’d go to me that following day. When you didn’t, I understood why. You were hurt too, you needed to rest. But then the days passed and passed and everyone whispered about you when they were around me. They expected you to come to me too, and I guess they thought I was hurt when you didn’t. I wasn’t._

_I still had hope. That’s why I had Sing give you that letter._

_I refused to believe that after everything we had gone through, you would deny yourself a chance at happiness. I was sure that your idea that _you were who you were and I was who I was and that because of that we could never be together_ was long gone from your mind. _

_I expected you to come running through that airport, ticket in hand. I expected flowers and an apology. I even expected myself to suddenly heal and stand and knock the words out of your mouth with a kiss. Because I didn’t need an apology, I needed you._

_Is that stupid? I guess it doesn’t matter._

_When you didn’t show up, I tried to make sense of it best I could. ~~Sing said~~ But it didn’t make sense to me no matter how hard I tried. _

_And then I got that call and the world slipped out from beneath me. Everything fell into place. My questions were answered._

_I keep having this dream where I go back to New York and I visit your grave— the one Max and Jessica put up. It always goes the same way. I walk up, place flowers near your headstone, and move to leave. But then I hear you from your place in the solid, brown earth— calling my name. Calling for help. And I drop to my knees. I take fist fulls of dirt and begin to dig deep into the ground with bare hands. Your voice gets louder and louder until I reach the bottom. I pry the casket open and look down at you, crying like you did that night. And I take you into my arms. I wipe away the tears. I tuck your hair behind your ears. I take you home. And we’re happy. We grow old together. Hands and feet wrinkling side by side._

_~~But then I wake up. And you’re still gone.~~ _

_~~It hurts, Ash. I’m not sure it’s ever going to stop hurting.~~ _

_I can’t get the picture of you with angel wings out of my head. When things get bad, it’s all I can think of to calm myself. I’m not very religious. I’m not sure I ever told you that. But, lately, I’ve been thinking about the afterlife and I’ve decided it exists. You live on somewhere out there, in the clouds. Soft, safe. Watching over everyone like you always do. You have to._

_I know we said we’d never get married. I’m going to keep that promise. But if you were here, and you wanted to, I’d give you the rest of my life. I’d give you everything you asked from me. My youth, my love, my name. And I know you’d do the same. ~~I guess that was always our problem.~~_

_Aslan, you’d better wait for me up there. I’ll be an old man before you know it and then we’ll be together again. If it were up to me I’d meet you up there right this minute but I think you’d kill me a second time if that happened._

_I’ll live my life how I pictured it with you. I’ll grow old. I’ll find my passion. I’ll get better. I’ll honor you in that way. But I’m not letting you go._

_Not now. Not ever._

_Eiji_

**Author's Note:**

> My first time writing anything like this (both for the fandom and in general) so let me know what y'all think! 
> 
> Follow me on twitter/tumblr: @eijinomics


End file.
